I'm back "on the clock" as it were.
Camping was fun. I felt a little guilty, but not overly so.
I'm glad I went and I definitely needed the time off however, taking time off does come with a price.
Not having any "work" to do gave me tons of time to think - about everything.
Where we've come from, where we are now, where we are going, where I will be when the dust settles...
While thinking can be both good and bad, having tons of time to do it was... tiring.
So, I cried. A lot.
Every time I found myself alone (or even mostly alone), I could not hold back.
Not that I'm trying to hold any of it back, but to keep crying in front of friends and other people you don't know is just odd. Sunglasses can only hold so much.
Gwenn pointed out that I was sighing a lot.
I never even noticed it.
Not a content sigh, but a sigh of exhaustion.
I am really really tired.
I'm amazed I'm not sick.
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Susie has been sleeping pretty much since I got back. She opened her eyes when I told her I was home, but she didn't seem to hear me or acknowledge it, and she closed her eyes again. She woke up briefly when the nurse came to visit, and could talk a bit then, but could not quite form complete sentences or thoughts. Since she was mostly awake, Bob and I rolled her over and changed the sheets on the bed. Since then, she's been sleeping all day.
I gather she's been somewhat talkative between her napping - often falling asleep many times.
Bob and Sally went back to the hotel and I cooked dinner for Colleen, Gavin and Gwenn. Susie slept all afternoon and evening. She talked with Colleen, but only for a few minutes and that was it.
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4 comments:
Dear Jonah, I think the crying is part of the whole process unfortunately. I did the same thing with my mom who I was super close to. I was constantly amazed at how my body could generate so many tears. But thank God for that release as how else to express all those feelings? I just don't know what else works as much. I think the fact that you're trying to give yourself some breaks is helping your body from getting so run down that you would get sick too. My prayers always include strength for you as well as as little pain for Susie as possible. Big hugs- Roma
Hi Jonah, I'm glad you did take time to go camping, a much needed break! It makes complete sense that you cried and cried. When you're in the midst of everything, the most important goal is to be ready and available at any moment to care for Susie, and it's almost impossible to let your own feelings just happen. It is exhausting to cry, especially when so much will change and has already changed for Susie and for you. I'm sending huge bear hugs from the NorthEast, we think of you and Susie constantly.
love, your sister Sarah
unfortunately, my conversation with susie yesterday was very one-sided. She would acknowledge when i would say "owen" or "kaili" but other than that, she just stared at me like i was nuts, and then dozed off =( I only talked to her for about 5 minutes and then she was out for the count. Not even sure if she knew exactly who i was...
i did, however, enjoy the fact that she laughed at jonah when we rolled her over and straightened her bed-sheets (a little later). He asked her why she laughed and she said "because it's funny!"
Hi Jonah, I'm glad you were able to take some time for yourself this weekend. You are going through one of the most difficult things I can imagine anyone can go through. I would be crying all the time too. Just remember you can count on your friends to be there for you and Susie. We love you both so much and wish there were more we could do to help. I think of you and Susie every single day. Sending thoughts of strength, calm and love to you both!
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