It was a wonderful day.
Driving up there took a lot longer than expected. Though I do love the twisty roads, my brother didn't. Naomi, Ben and I were in my car while Conrad, Kelley, Gwenn and Colin were in the 'Rex (Kelley and Conrad's WRX).
We arrived at the beach ~12:30ish and it was initially a bit windy and just cold enough where I had to put on PANTS!
Bob and Sally were already there with their friends from San Francisco, Drew and Marta.
We checked out the visitor center/ranger station for a bit, which has a nice indoor area to sit and look out some big windows at the beach and cliffs. They even had a really powerful spotter's scope setup. The tide was starting to go out and there were some nice waves hitting the shore. Plenty of seagulls and other birds.
A few other friends started to show up, so we decided to eat our picnic lunch. Luckily, there was the perfect spot with many picnic tables right out front where it was not as windy.
More and more people started showing up - each bringing more and more food! We ended up completely taking over this small picnic area.
During the feast, there was a wonderful whale sighting. I heard a gasp from the crowd and was lucky enough to see the end of a particularly large breach.
As most of the expected people had arrived, we started to pack up the food and make our way to the opposite end of the parking lot where a path leads up to a small overlook. A few small coffee cups were handed out with one of Susie's favorite beers "Blue Moon" and we walked up the path.
Luckily, it was a bit warmer now and didn't seem to be very windy either.
Colin handed out flowers as each of us passed and Gwenn handed out the laminated cards that we made.
The view from the overlook revealed a wonderful view of the beaches and cliffs in both directions as well as the land covered in scrub brush behind us.
Once we had all made it up to the top, we gathered at the railing
Starting to cry, I thanked everyone for coming and said a few words.
Surrounded by family, friends and friends of friends.
Susie would have said "You've had beer this whole time and haven't given any to me yet?"
Thanks for all the help and support that everyone has given us throughout all of this.
We had many years together, but not nearly enough.
Bob said a few words and then read the poem, Let the Red Fox Run.
Having not planned this moment at all, I was unsure of what to do. I decided to have a short moment of Silence and then, at the count of 3, cheer and throw the flowers into the air. Then some hikers were coming back along the trail and I thought it might scare them if we all were silent, then screamed when they walked by - heh. So we waited a few more moments and then cheered as the sky filled with flying flowers.
The path turned more rugged up ahead and I suggested that we walk further along the path
Several points were extremely close to the cliff and you could see where sections of the cliff had slipped down several feet.
We stopped at the next high point on the trail, where I told the story of our engagement.
Earlier in the day, I had put the ring in my back pocket (not in a box - that would have been too obvious). She had hugged me at one point and had felt my pocket - "what's that?" she asked - but I side-stepped the answer and narrowly escaped being discovered! We had driven up through San Francisco, up RT1 through the twisty roads and then down to Drake's Beach.
We walked along the cliff, and stopped in several places to enjoy the view, but every time I got enough courage up, she just would start walking again! Arrgh! Then, at one particular moment, we saw a huge raven - probably about 20 feet from us, surfing the wave of wind rushing over crest of the cliff. It was an incredible moment and I knew it was time.
I stopped her and said,
"Susie, I love you very much and I want to spend the rest of my live with you.
Will you marry me?"
In retrospect, I figured the cliff could have served a dual-purpose just in case - her or me ;) But luckily enough, she said YES!
...
I removed the ashes from my backpack and borrowed a cup from Liz. I told everyone that this was one of the places that Susie wanted to be scattered and I put a bit of her ashes into the cup and approached the edge of the cliff.
Tossing the ashes low over the edge didn't stop them from flying back in all of our faces. Heh - I should have known that was going to happen. I offered everyone the cup if they wanted it, or everyone was welcome to use their hands. We all took a few turns sending her back to nature. I found a particularly good spot where each pinch was shot back into the air like a firework exploding. The heavier pieces like the bright lights were followed by the lingering lighter ashes of smoke.
When we were down to just a little bit left, I said I was going to go ahead a bit by myself.
I walked and cried till I was out of sight until I came to a huge field
A hawk was sitting on a fence a ways away and some critter's den appeared beneath my feet. I offered a bit of her to the den in hopes that it was a fox.
I walked a little more where the cliff started to descend slowly into a ravine. It looked almost like a "the hills are alive" scene.
I again told her how much I was going to miss her - every bit of her and I cried and returned the rest of her to the land, sea and air. I took out a small flask of whiskey and toasted Susie.
Then, I started back up the path and rejoined the group that was all still sitting and talking at that highest point on the hike. I passed the whiskey around and we all shared stories and memories of my wonderful Susie.
Then we all slowly started filtering back down the hill.
Returning to the overlook, it was quite a scene to see the gorgeous scattered flowers everywhere - even some were taken quite some distance by the wind. I stood there a moment soaking up the scene, then started back down the hill to the beach.
I would like to say how thankful I was that so many people came to this weekend's celebration.
Sally and Bob
My Brother, Ben
Drew and Marta
Neil and Steph with Owen (+1)
Bobby and Stephanie
Mark Hashimoto (complete with tie, no less!)
Liz and Ashley
Lorel and Adrian
Ian and Marjorie with Bronwyn (Susie's Boss/Friend and family)
Bill (Susie's friend from North Carolina - now living near Santa Barbara (URS))
Dan (URS)
Jean (URS)
Peggy
Eileen and Angela (from Santa Cruz!)
Ken, Tamela, Joe, Evan, and Morgan (Stockton!)
Brian and Sally (+1)
Jimmy and Elise with Niko and Olivia
Gloria and Kat
Karen and Joel with Riley
Jana and Jon with Tristan
Shann and Guy with Brady and Conner
Jen with Kate
Arik
Colleen and Gavin
Cara
Naomi
Kelley and Conrad
Colin and Gwenn
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
What I said
Six and half years - Six and a half years since initial diagnosis. What a roller coaster ride.
I recall from the beginning:
Susie was off at hockey when I got the call from her doctor. She had been trying to get a hold of us for days, but had been unsuccessful.
When she finally got through to someone, even though it was only me, she just had to deliver the bad news.
I had already lost my mom and my sister - each of which was a particularly long and difficult struggle, so
I knew what was in store for our future and where this path could lead.
So, for me, having to break the news to Susie was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I think I cried all night, waiting for Susie to get home and delivered the bad news.
Throughout the years, there have been many hurdles to get over, setbacks to overcome and treatments to endure, but through it all we did have hope, however. We always had hope.
I'd like to share a few things about Susie that you may or may not know
The most obvious thing that first attracted me to Susie was her sense of humor. Those that know the story will recall that she even made fun of me the very first day we met. I was hooked from day1.
And, of course, I was not the only one who found her humor unique.
It was playful, intelligent, and goofy.
But she could also be dry, sarcastic and even acidic at times.
However, every bit of it was all in good fun and never mean spirited.
She tried to find the humor in just about everything that she did.
She searched and found humor in even the simplest of things
Your choice of words, a facial expression, a gesture, or even some food on a plate. Particularly at Wellesley.
When she was stressed about work or when things weren't going so well,
she was still able to find something to laugh about - to distract her - if even for just a moment
She constantly reminded us that we should not take anything too seriously.
She had the same fantastic sense of humor through it all,
- even at the very end where she couldn't communicate much at all,
she could still give you a perfectly timed, raised eyebrow that said:
"are you nuts?" which just seemed to be the perfect thing for the moment.
Her humor, it seemed, lasted nearly the longest of everything.
I surely hope I can keep my humor when I catch up with her.
I can see her laughing at me right now. Making fun of me - AGAIN.
One of Susie's biggest joys in our life in California was hockey.
I first started teaching her how to skate on rollerblades along the cliffs and beaches in Santa Cruz.
Then, I brought her to a tennis court where We had seen some local players playing from time to time and
we joined in. Everyone was very helpful in getting her started and she had a blast.
After we played in a few roller hockey leagues together, she tried Ice Hockey at a "give hockey a try day" with the Northern California Women's Hockey League.
She was so happy to play with supportive people that helped other players get started and were all about the same level.
When she started to move up into the experienced leagues, she gave back to the league in many ways.
She offered to coach the beginning teams, co-captain, and then captain some teams.
She helped out with league evaluations, "give hockey a try-day" and donated old gear to players in need.
She loved to make up hockey team names, too.
Through hockey, we met a huge group of friends that became our California family.
Mostly transplants to the Bay Area and we ended up spending most of our weekends,
free time, holidays, and even vacations with our extended family.
One thanksgiving that we spent in Lake Tahoe with several hockey friends,
Susie started singing "squirrel" instead of "girl" in several songs that were on the radio.
At some point Susie said "Squirrelfriends" and it stuck.
Our whole group of friends came to be known as the Squirrelfriends
They even named a traveling hockey team that went to tournaments called "the flying squirrels".
They printed up some fantastic uniforms and went to many tournaments.
The flying squirrels still compete in tournaments in the USA and Canada today.
Susie had really discovered something fantastic with hockey.
She helped remind everyone that it's just a game and to not take things too seriously.
She received an MVP award and 2 Most Sportsmanlike awards -
the most recent one was just received just 2 months ago
(even thought she hadn't been on the ice 1/2 of the season)
With it, the words
"you have been an inspiration to many - on and off the ice"
We've made some incredible friends through hockey who have helped us in so many ways throughout the years. We are more like a great big family now.
...
Susie loved animals.
Having been surrounded by many different animals and pets in her childhood,
Susie grew up with strong feelings for animals.
But it actually went deeper that that. Not only did she love animals - but all living things.
So much so, that it deeply saddened her when she would even just read about an animal that needed a home.
Nature shows on TV? forget it. Even a mention of hardship in the animal world would make her sad.
She would even force me to catch moths, spiders and slugs and carefully re-locate them.
Part of the reason she became a vegetarian was,
caused by a visit to a chicken ranch where she witnessed the inhumane treatment there.
Never again would she eat anything that had a "fuzzy face" - as she would say.
In grad-school, she finally got some kittens of her own - Owen and Toby - 2 brothers.
They became the light and joy in her life and she adored them.
“Never has 2 boys and one girl made me so happy”
She could not even bear to go with me to the humane society to pick out our first dog.
She would have wanted to take home every single one.
She would have felt horrible for days because she had not picked a certain one.
All she could think about were all those innocent animals that all needed and deserved a good home.
We had talked about getting a second dog and she had seen one online that looked right,
but we weren't quite ready yet for another dog.
Some months later, when we were finally ready, she found out that this same dog was still available and Susie said,
"I have to have her"
No sooner had we laid eyes on her and it was love at first sight.
We said yes instantly.
Our pack, was finally complete.
Now , our house is a joy to come home to:
Owen, Toby, Kaili and Skyla - our fuzzy children.
...
One of the lines from our wedding vows said:
"Loving what I know of you - trusting what I don't yet know"
I guess there was a lot that I didn't know - She managed to surprise me in many interesting and wonderful ways.
Right after our wedding, she suggested that we both jump, fully clothed, into Bob and Sally's pool.
A few years later, on New Years Day, with the PBC, after saying that she wouldn't, she spontaneously went for a quick swim in the Atlantic Ocean to celebrate the new year.
Again, fully clothed.
I could not believe it when she agreed without a second thought to go skydiving (but only told her parents after we had done it).
Skydiving, Rafting, Climbing, Sailing, hiking, camping skiing snowboarding,
snowmobiling, scuba, snorkeling, canoeing, horseback riding, ATVing, mountain biking.
As well as painting, sculpting, carving, drawing, and writing.
When the Chemotherapy was going to make her lose her hair,
She dyed her hair blond, then purple and teal and finally even got a Mohawk!
She sent pictures to Bob and Sally of her new hairdoo while we were out to dinner
- she actually looked quite normal... considering it was Santa Cruz
She designed and got 2 very memorable tattoos.
I would not have thought she was the tattoo type at all.
First, a bear, encircled by a Celtic ring.
Then a Red Fox running - entwined by a Celtic design.
The Red Fox tattoo is a direct reference to the Poem "Let the Red Fox Run" Which Bob read earlier.
For Susie, this was an extremely bold statement - to tie herself so closely with this poem.
I think she knew at this time where this path was going to take her.
====================
I am truly grateful and humbled that she chose me to be her best friend, and husband.
She was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I am a better person for having had her in my life.
She was everything I could have hoped for in a friend, and wife.
I loved being married to her, coming home to her each day and sleeping next to her each night.
We had a wonderful fuzzy family together and we had so much still left to do.
I will miss her terribly.
We will all miss her terribly.
She will never be forgotten
She Lived, She Laughed She loved, She Played Hockey.
I look forward to the years of memories that will surprise me again and again as I recall them and relive them with family and friends.
I encourage you all to write down these memories as they come to you and share them.
Thank You
I recall from the beginning:
Susie was off at hockey when I got the call from her doctor. She had been trying to get a hold of us for days, but had been unsuccessful.
When she finally got through to someone, even though it was only me, she just had to deliver the bad news.
I had already lost my mom and my sister - each of which was a particularly long and difficult struggle, so
I knew what was in store for our future and where this path could lead.
So, for me, having to break the news to Susie was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I think I cried all night, waiting for Susie to get home and delivered the bad news.
Throughout the years, there have been many hurdles to get over, setbacks to overcome and treatments to endure, but through it all we did have hope, however. We always had hope.
I'd like to share a few things about Susie that you may or may not know
The most obvious thing that first attracted me to Susie was her sense of humor. Those that know the story will recall that she even made fun of me the very first day we met. I was hooked from day1.
And, of course, I was not the only one who found her humor unique.
It was playful, intelligent, and goofy.
But she could also be dry, sarcastic and even acidic at times.
However, every bit of it was all in good fun and never mean spirited.
She tried to find the humor in just about everything that she did.
She searched and found humor in even the simplest of things
Your choice of words, a facial expression, a gesture, or even some food on a plate. Particularly at Wellesley.
When she was stressed about work or when things weren't going so well,
she was still able to find something to laugh about - to distract her - if even for just a moment
She constantly reminded us that we should not take anything too seriously.
She had the same fantastic sense of humor through it all,
- even at the very end where she couldn't communicate much at all,
she could still give you a perfectly timed, raised eyebrow that said:
"are you nuts?" which just seemed to be the perfect thing for the moment.
Her humor, it seemed, lasted nearly the longest of everything.
I surely hope I can keep my humor when I catch up with her.
I can see her laughing at me right now. Making fun of me - AGAIN.
One of Susie's biggest joys in our life in California was hockey.
I first started teaching her how to skate on rollerblades along the cliffs and beaches in Santa Cruz.
Then, I brought her to a tennis court where We had seen some local players playing from time to time and
we joined in. Everyone was very helpful in getting her started and she had a blast.
After we played in a few roller hockey leagues together, she tried Ice Hockey at a "give hockey a try day" with the Northern California Women's Hockey League.
She was so happy to play with supportive people that helped other players get started and were all about the same level.
When she started to move up into the experienced leagues, she gave back to the league in many ways.
She offered to coach the beginning teams, co-captain, and then captain some teams.
She helped out with league evaluations, "give hockey a try-day" and donated old gear to players in need.
She loved to make up hockey team names, too.
Through hockey, we met a huge group of friends that became our California family.
Mostly transplants to the Bay Area and we ended up spending most of our weekends,
free time, holidays, and even vacations with our extended family.
One thanksgiving that we spent in Lake Tahoe with several hockey friends,
Susie started singing "squirrel" instead of "girl" in several songs that were on the radio.
At some point Susie said "Squirrelfriends" and it stuck.
Our whole group of friends came to be known as the Squirrelfriends
They even named a traveling hockey team that went to tournaments called "the flying squirrels".
They printed up some fantastic uniforms and went to many tournaments.
The flying squirrels still compete in tournaments in the USA and Canada today.
Susie had really discovered something fantastic with hockey.
She helped remind everyone that it's just a game and to not take things too seriously.
She received an MVP award and 2 Most Sportsmanlike awards -
the most recent one was just received just 2 months ago
(even thought she hadn't been on the ice 1/2 of the season)
With it, the words
"you have been an inspiration to many - on and off the ice"
We've made some incredible friends through hockey who have helped us in so many ways throughout the years. We are more like a great big family now.
...
Susie loved animals.
Having been surrounded by many different animals and pets in her childhood,
Susie grew up with strong feelings for animals.
But it actually went deeper that that. Not only did she love animals - but all living things.
So much so, that it deeply saddened her when she would even just read about an animal that needed a home.
Nature shows on TV? forget it. Even a mention of hardship in the animal world would make her sad.
She would even force me to catch moths, spiders and slugs and carefully re-locate them.
Part of the reason she became a vegetarian was,
caused by a visit to a chicken ranch where she witnessed the inhumane treatment there.
Never again would she eat anything that had a "fuzzy face" - as she would say.
In grad-school, she finally got some kittens of her own - Owen and Toby - 2 brothers.
They became the light and joy in her life and she adored them.
“Never has 2 boys and one girl made me so happy”
She could not even bear to go with me to the humane society to pick out our first dog.
She would have wanted to take home every single one.
She would have felt horrible for days because she had not picked a certain one.
All she could think about were all those innocent animals that all needed and deserved a good home.
We had talked about getting a second dog and she had seen one online that looked right,
but we weren't quite ready yet for another dog.
Some months later, when we were finally ready, she found out that this same dog was still available and Susie said,
"I have to have her"
No sooner had we laid eyes on her and it was love at first sight.
We said yes instantly.
Our pack, was finally complete.
Now , our house is a joy to come home to:
Owen, Toby, Kaili and Skyla - our fuzzy children.
...
One of the lines from our wedding vows said:
"Loving what I know of you - trusting what I don't yet know"
I guess there was a lot that I didn't know - She managed to surprise me in many interesting and wonderful ways.
Right after our wedding, she suggested that we both jump, fully clothed, into Bob and Sally's pool.
A few years later, on New Years Day, with the PBC, after saying that she wouldn't, she spontaneously went for a quick swim in the Atlantic Ocean to celebrate the new year.
Again, fully clothed.
I could not believe it when she agreed without a second thought to go skydiving (but only told her parents after we had done it).
Skydiving, Rafting, Climbing, Sailing, hiking, camping skiing snowboarding,
snowmobiling, scuba, snorkeling, canoeing, horseback riding, ATVing, mountain biking.
As well as painting, sculpting, carving, drawing, and writing.
When the Chemotherapy was going to make her lose her hair,
She dyed her hair blond, then purple and teal and finally even got a Mohawk!
She sent pictures to Bob and Sally of her new hairdoo while we were out to dinner
- she actually looked quite normal... considering it was Santa Cruz
She designed and got 2 very memorable tattoos.
I would not have thought she was the tattoo type at all.
First, a bear, encircled by a Celtic ring.
Then a Red Fox running - entwined by a Celtic design.
The Red Fox tattoo is a direct reference to the Poem "Let the Red Fox Run" Which Bob read earlier.
For Susie, this was an extremely bold statement - to tie herself so closely with this poem.
I think she knew at this time where this path was going to take her.
====================
I am truly grateful and humbled that she chose me to be her best friend, and husband.
She was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I am a better person for having had her in my life.
She was everything I could have hoped for in a friend, and wife.
I loved being married to her, coming home to her each day and sleeping next to her each night.
We had a wonderful fuzzy family together and we had so much still left to do.
I will miss her terribly.
We will all miss her terribly.
She will never be forgotten
She Lived, She Laughed She loved, She Played Hockey.
I look forward to the years of memories that will surprise me again and again as I recall them and relive them with family and friends.
I encourage you all to write down these memories as they come to you and share them.
Thank You
Annisquam
Sunday:
-------
Rachel and Wendy had purchased Kayaks some time ago and were nice enough to bring them to Annisquam.
The house up in Annisquam is on Cape Ann and is owned by Martha and Tom Svatek - wonderful family friends of the Zielinski's. Susie and I even joined the whole Svatek family in Austria where Martha had planned a surprise 70th birthday celebration for Tom!
Susie and I spent a few days after our wedding at this wonderful old house. Mostly stonework with classic dark wood.
We had not been there for very long when I was hustled to change and prepare for the scattering since more "weather" was coming. The 3 of us drove down to put the boats in the water while the rest of the friends and family (including Heidi Tom and Martha's doggie!!) walked down to the beach with umbrellas and fanned out by the water.
We pushed off with Susie's ashes strapped in front of me.
We glided silently towards the shore where the audience was silenty watching us.
We were within speaking distance, but didn't speak.
Slowly, we turned around and headed out.
It was very peaceful - misting, but not raining.
We could hear the fog horn booming from time to time.
Wendy and I talked and joked a bit. All melancholy.
We paddled slowly out to the lighthouse and after some time, decided it was time and we turned to face the audience.
I removed the ornate bio-degradable box from the bag and held it in my hand just above the water.
Emotion overcame me and I held it there for some time, crying.
After a time, I stopped and said something like:
"even thought this is only a part of you - I will miss it terribly."
I laid her in the water and sobbed. It tried to float away , but I kept it close. It started to list a bit as it took on water, but didn't slip away. We kept her between us for some time and it didn't change much. I was content to wait, but the mist was getting a bit heavier and I thought the people on the beach would be wondering. We both admired the boxes construction - the inlaid fibers of trees and grass. Wendy turned it over to get it all wet. It didn't help it sink much.I opened the ends a bit to let in more water and noticed the inner plastic bag had already dissolved a little and few bits of ashes floated out and away.
More waiting - She didn't want to go. Tee hee.
Wendy opened up the end and let a lot of water in and before I knew it, it was sinking quite rapidly. We watched as it descended and was gone from our sight very quickly. We looked and looked - hoping to catch another glimpse - anything...
...but were unable to see anything.
We picked up our paddles and slowly paddled back towards shore. It was raining now - getting heavier. We paddled back to shore and stopped about 30 feet from shore again. Not saying anything - then I waived. They waived.
I said "who are these people? What are they looking at?"
"Load of riffraff" or something like that - they chucked.
The water had several lavender flowers floating all around and a few gummy bears, but I had not noticed them. I gather they did their own scattering while we were out at sea.
We turned again for the parking lot and paddled slowly away.
Following Wendy, I teared up again as I looked at the lighthouse. Remembering the scene as I would see it in my memory for years to come.
I helped R&W put the boats back on the car and I said I was going to walk back up instead of driving. Some people had already left the beach and were slowing walking back up the hill.
I followed the path back to the beach and slowed, then turned to look at the lighthouse once more... "Bye Susie" I'll see you the next time I come here.
to this place... to this beach...
Our beach where we made sandcastles on our honeymoon.
I'll see you soon, I hope.
I turned for the last time and walked up up the path to catch up with the train of family, friends and the dog.
The rain came down.
-------
Rachel and Wendy had purchased Kayaks some time ago and were nice enough to bring them to Annisquam.
The house up in Annisquam is on Cape Ann and is owned by Martha and Tom Svatek - wonderful family friends of the Zielinski's. Susie and I even joined the whole Svatek family in Austria where Martha had planned a surprise 70th birthday celebration for Tom!
Susie and I spent a few days after our wedding at this wonderful old house. Mostly stonework with classic dark wood.
We had not been there for very long when I was hustled to change and prepare for the scattering since more "weather" was coming. The 3 of us drove down to put the boats in the water while the rest of the friends and family (including Heidi Tom and Martha's doggie!!) walked down to the beach with umbrellas and fanned out by the water.
We pushed off with Susie's ashes strapped in front of me.
We glided silently towards the shore where the audience was silenty watching us.
We were within speaking distance, but didn't speak.
Slowly, we turned around and headed out.
It was very peaceful - misting, but not raining.
We could hear the fog horn booming from time to time.
Wendy and I talked and joked a bit. All melancholy.
We paddled slowly out to the lighthouse and after some time, decided it was time and we turned to face the audience.
I removed the ornate bio-degradable box from the bag and held it in my hand just above the water.
Emotion overcame me and I held it there for some time, crying.
After a time, I stopped and said something like:
"even thought this is only a part of you - I will miss it terribly."
I laid her in the water and sobbed. It tried to float away , but I kept it close. It started to list a bit as it took on water, but didn't slip away. We kept her between us for some time and it didn't change much. I was content to wait, but the mist was getting a bit heavier and I thought the people on the beach would be wondering. We both admired the boxes construction - the inlaid fibers of trees and grass. Wendy turned it over to get it all wet. It didn't help it sink much.I opened the ends a bit to let in more water and noticed the inner plastic bag had already dissolved a little and few bits of ashes floated out and away.
More waiting - She didn't want to go. Tee hee.
Wendy opened up the end and let a lot of water in and before I knew it, it was sinking quite rapidly. We watched as it descended and was gone from our sight very quickly. We looked and looked - hoping to catch another glimpse - anything...
...but were unable to see anything.
We picked up our paddles and slowly paddled back towards shore. It was raining now - getting heavier. We paddled back to shore and stopped about 30 feet from shore again. Not saying anything - then I waived. They waived.
I said "who are these people? What are they looking at?"
"Load of riffraff" or something like that - they chucked.
The water had several lavender flowers floating all around and a few gummy bears, but I had not noticed them. I gather they did their own scattering while we were out at sea.
We turned again for the parking lot and paddled slowly away.
Following Wendy, I teared up again as I looked at the lighthouse. Remembering the scene as I would see it in my memory for years to come.
I helped R&W put the boats back on the car and I said I was going to walk back up instead of driving. Some people had already left the beach and were slowing walking back up the hill.
I followed the path back to the beach and slowed, then turned to look at the lighthouse once more... "Bye Susie" I'll see you the next time I come here.
to this place... to this beach...
Our beach where we made sandcastles on our honeymoon.
I'll see you soon, I hope.
I turned for the last time and walked up up the path to catch up with the train of family, friends and the dog.
The rain came down.
Susie's Memorial in Massachusetts
In case anyone was interested in what happened, here's a recap.
"A Memorial Service Celebrating the Life of Susan Elizabeth Zielinski"
My late sister's husband Joe gave me a ride to the First Religious Society of Carlisle. When we arrived at the Church, it was raining slightly. It had been raining since early Friday. But As I got out of the car, it seemed to increase in intensity. I Could see a few early arrivals right inside the front door being greeted by Susan, Wendy and a few others.
On the front steps, there were flowers - prepared the day before by the family friends.
I should take a moment here to explain this a bit - several close families in Carlisle have been friends for many many years and have watched their children grow up together. For each marriage, the families would get together and grow, buy and arrange the flowers to be used during the ceremony. They did for our wedding and it made the whole event so much more special.
So, sadly, they got together and did the flowers again for Susie, but they did look lovely.
Although I didn't know it at the time, there was also a small statue of a fox that Martha has had for some years. She put it with the flowers and then moved it around during the service.
I had brought Fluffy and George with me and I held them in front of me as we entered the church.
I greeted those up front and someone took Fluffy and George from me.
Right inside the front door in the entrance to the open hall where tables were setup with refeshments for after. On either side of the front door were stairs leading up to the main church.
I greeted everyone on my way to find Linda.
She was leafing through the Susie Squirrel's Scrapbook.
We instantly stated crying together.
We talked for a bit as more and more guests started to arrive.
I heard the bells begin to ring (38 times for Susie's 38 years)
No sooner had I heard them begin to ring, they had finished. I was not able to count them, nor even hear them all. I know Matt, Brian and Tom were overseeing the ringing.
I removed my coat - nervously checking to be sure my folded up words were close by.
I had not looked around much, but did notice on one side of the room, there were paintings of Susie's hung and sculptures that she had made as well. I was not aware of so many pieces that she had created. I was also not aware of a few of the paintings that I knew from the years of visiting home were done by her.
Bird sketches, watercolor houses, horses.
Wendy had put together a slide show and had a projector setup - looping through the years of pictures. Everything from childhood slides that had only been recently converted to digital to our most recent visit.
Several scrapbooks were laid out and even one from our wedding.
Slowly, people started filtering upstairs and I found Linda and we went up together.
We were handed a program and a bookmark - each had lovely pictures of Susie.
I gather the bookmark was just in case you lost your place during the service.
Passing the stairway, there was a guestbook laid out.
But I did not sign it.
Music had started I think - a solo pianist playing in the corner.
There was a roadblock at the top of the stairs as people were trying to decide where to sit. The new minister of the church was greeting people as they filed in.
Sally had the first 2 rows reserved, but we weren't sure how she wanted people to sit. I didn't see her at first, so I stayed up front with Linda and waited.
Looking around the room, there were flowers in all the appropriate places as well as the 250 year Carlisle anniversary quilt.
Then Sally arrived in the other side of the hall and Linda and I went to her. She told Linda and I to sit in the first row, so we did. Next to my Sister, Billy and Joe, my brother-in-law.
Linda, Sarah and I sat and joked as we listened to the music - Just as Susie would have.
Hymn #s were listed on the wall and a music book at each pew.
Almost everyone was in now - all silent and listening to the music.
It was too quiet - too somber and didn't feel right. (for Susie)
The Minister sat behind the lectern and waited.
After a few pieces, she began to speak her short introduction.
Then she lit a Chalice in remembrance.
The we sang "Life is the greatest gift of all" (Hymn 331).
We all limped through and it was over just about the time I had memorized the melody.
Bob was next.
After a few words about the poem and Susie, he read the "Let the Red Fox Run".
Red-bellied let the red fox run
Under the raining leaf, and weather
And summer go beyond recall
My heart will strain no more at it's tether.
I will not be out in the sharp hill frost,
I will not be there when the fox goes over
A wall where the broken boulders spill
The shape of a farm back into the clover.
I will not be running with all the runs
(it's torn breath streaking down the furrow).
I will take my ease while the hunt pounds by.
Safe at last in the earth's darkest burrow.
But somewhere still int the brain's gray vault,
Where the light grows dim and the owls are crying.
I shall run with the fox through the leaf-strewn wood.
I shall not be present at my own dying."
-Loren Eiseley
More Music - A Welsh Lullaby "Sleep My Child"
Steve stood up and read a poem "You Can Shed Tears"
"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and wish that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her.
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow because of yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only for that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind.
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on."
David Harkins (adapted)
Hymn 344 "A Promise through the Ages Rings"
Then Wendy got up a read a poem that Susie wrote in 1985: "Reflections"
"A bridge spanning a river,
as your cross, peer down
and catch a glimpse of another world.
A distorted girl peering up at you.
A fish swims by.
The sun back out from behind a cloud.
The fish is gone,
and the world appears again.
Two adjacent worlds,
separated only by a sheet of rippled glass,
infinitely thin,
but the glass never breaks,
and you two can never speak.
She can't hear you,
and you can't hear her.
So, knowing you will meet again,
you go your separate ways.
Down the road, you catch another glimpse.
Smaller now,
but the same world.
Throw a rock into a puddle,
shatter a world."
-Susie Zielinski May 1985
Then, as my moment got closer, I noticed my heart was pounding quite fast and I felt light headed. I thought that I might pass out right there, and if not while sitting - surely when standing up, or walking up to the front.
The minister called Beth, Martha and Myself up for our words - we sat together behind the lectern as each of us started to speak.
Beth broke down almost instantly and sat right back down and said "I can't do this" - we all comforted her for a few moments while she regained her composure and triumphantly, she resumed.
Memories of high school and friendship - of Jumping into Walden pond and running on the train tracks - cross country races.... I recall nodding and smiling nearly nonstop.
Martha was next - memories of children growing up together and of Susie wearing a dress - "the next time I saw her in a dress was many years later" - heh. Then Martha whipped out a mickey mouse cup - the same one the we used while on our short honeymoon in Annisquam for champagne that she left there for us.
More nodding - and smiles.
I noticed that my heart had stopped racing and I felt better. My turn. It's hard to read such a small font when your eyes are red and full of tears, so I made sure it was huge - heh.
About 1/2way through Steve had gotten up and I was afraid he was going to interrupt, but he just sat behind me and waited.
I held my composure until my last stanza where I could not help breaking down. I kept going once I was able to speak.
After I had finished, the Organ began to play as Steve tried to start speaking - we silenced the organ and he was allowed to share a few thoughts..
In particular, a good comeback from Steve's visit to CA this summer:
"Hey Susie, there is some Ice cream in the fridge if you want it"
"where would it be if I didn't want it?"
Slick and still damn sharp 'till the end.
John Denver song - lyrics were sad - I miss his voice.
"Woody" - the retired minister that married us in 200 - ended with a short reading, "The Summer Day"
Who made the world?
Who made the swan and the back bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean --
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth
instead of up and down --
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her winds open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is,
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll
through the fields.
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
- Mary Oliver
Then he spoke a few more words. A short moment of silence.
Now for the tears - The Sound of Music. I sang as much as I could, but could not complete the melody at the end. Too many tears.
What a wonderful melody.
As the song ended, we got up slowly and made our way downstairs.
It felt like a receiving line - tons of people stopping by to offer condolences, share stories
Many people said they didn't know her, but felt that they did now after listening to everyone.
One Gentleman said his wife had died a some years earlier and he could never have done what I did on stage. I said I was sorry for his loss and thanked him for his kind words.
Tons of food/punch and stories followed for what seemed like a couple of hours - I have no idea what time it was - the whole day was a haze.
People began to filter out and the food was being packed up.
The art was being packed up again and Fluffy and George found their place with me again.
Linda and I drove back to the house in the rain...
"A Memorial Service Celebrating the Life of Susan Elizabeth Zielinski"
My late sister's husband Joe gave me a ride to the First Religious Society of Carlisle. When we arrived at the Church, it was raining slightly. It had been raining since early Friday. But As I got out of the car, it seemed to increase in intensity. I Could see a few early arrivals right inside the front door being greeted by Susan, Wendy and a few others.
On the front steps, there were flowers - prepared the day before by the family friends.
I should take a moment here to explain this a bit - several close families in Carlisle have been friends for many many years and have watched their children grow up together. For each marriage, the families would get together and grow, buy and arrange the flowers to be used during the ceremony. They did for our wedding and it made the whole event so much more special.
So, sadly, they got together and did the flowers again for Susie, but they did look lovely.
Although I didn't know it at the time, there was also a small statue of a fox that Martha has had for some years. She put it with the flowers and then moved it around during the service.
I had brought Fluffy and George with me and I held them in front of me as we entered the church.
I greeted those up front and someone took Fluffy and George from me.
Right inside the front door in the entrance to the open hall where tables were setup with refeshments for after. On either side of the front door were stairs leading up to the main church.
I greeted everyone on my way to find Linda.
She was leafing through the Susie Squirrel's Scrapbook.
We instantly stated crying together.
We talked for a bit as more and more guests started to arrive.
I heard the bells begin to ring (38 times for Susie's 38 years)
No sooner had I heard them begin to ring, they had finished. I was not able to count them, nor even hear them all. I know Matt, Brian and Tom were overseeing the ringing.
I removed my coat - nervously checking to be sure my folded up words were close by.
I had not looked around much, but did notice on one side of the room, there were paintings of Susie's hung and sculptures that she had made as well. I was not aware of so many pieces that she had created. I was also not aware of a few of the paintings that I knew from the years of visiting home were done by her.
Bird sketches, watercolor houses, horses.
Wendy had put together a slide show and had a projector setup - looping through the years of pictures. Everything from childhood slides that had only been recently converted to digital to our most recent visit.
Several scrapbooks were laid out and even one from our wedding.
Slowly, people started filtering upstairs and I found Linda and we went up together.
We were handed a program and a bookmark - each had lovely pictures of Susie.
I gather the bookmark was just in case you lost your place during the service.
Passing the stairway, there was a guestbook laid out.
But I did not sign it.
Music had started I think - a solo pianist playing in the corner.
There was a roadblock at the top of the stairs as people were trying to decide where to sit. The new minister of the church was greeting people as they filed in.
Sally had the first 2 rows reserved, but we weren't sure how she wanted people to sit. I didn't see her at first, so I stayed up front with Linda and waited.
Looking around the room, there were flowers in all the appropriate places as well as the 250 year Carlisle anniversary quilt.
Then Sally arrived in the other side of the hall and Linda and I went to her. She told Linda and I to sit in the first row, so we did. Next to my Sister, Billy and Joe, my brother-in-law.
Linda, Sarah and I sat and joked as we listened to the music - Just as Susie would have.
Hymn #s were listed on the wall and a music book at each pew.
Almost everyone was in now - all silent and listening to the music.
It was too quiet - too somber and didn't feel right. (for Susie)
The Minister sat behind the lectern and waited.
After a few pieces, she began to speak her short introduction.
Then she lit a Chalice in remembrance.
The we sang "Life is the greatest gift of all" (Hymn 331).
We all limped through and it was over just about the time I had memorized the melody.
Bob was next.
After a few words about the poem and Susie, he read the "Let the Red Fox Run".
Red-bellied let the red fox run
Under the raining leaf, and weather
And summer go beyond recall
My heart will strain no more at it's tether.
I will not be out in the sharp hill frost,
I will not be there when the fox goes over
A wall where the broken boulders spill
The shape of a farm back into the clover.
I will not be running with all the runs
(it's torn breath streaking down the furrow).
I will take my ease while the hunt pounds by.
Safe at last in the earth's darkest burrow.
But somewhere still int the brain's gray vault,
Where the light grows dim and the owls are crying.
I shall run with the fox through the leaf-strewn wood.
I shall not be present at my own dying."
-Loren Eiseley
More Music - A Welsh Lullaby "Sleep My Child"
Steve stood up and read a poem "You Can Shed Tears"
"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and wish that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her.
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow because of yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only for that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind.
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on."
David Harkins (adapted)
Hymn 344 "A Promise through the Ages Rings"
Then Wendy got up a read a poem that Susie wrote in 1985: "Reflections"
"A bridge spanning a river,
as your cross, peer down
and catch a glimpse of another world.
A distorted girl peering up at you.
A fish swims by.
The sun back out from behind a cloud.
The fish is gone,
and the world appears again.
Two adjacent worlds,
separated only by a sheet of rippled glass,
infinitely thin,
but the glass never breaks,
and you two can never speak.
She can't hear you,
and you can't hear her.
So, knowing you will meet again,
you go your separate ways.
Down the road, you catch another glimpse.
Smaller now,
but the same world.
Throw a rock into a puddle,
shatter a world."
-Susie Zielinski May 1985
Then, as my moment got closer, I noticed my heart was pounding quite fast and I felt light headed. I thought that I might pass out right there, and if not while sitting - surely when standing up, or walking up to the front.
The minister called Beth, Martha and Myself up for our words - we sat together behind the lectern as each of us started to speak.
Beth broke down almost instantly and sat right back down and said "I can't do this" - we all comforted her for a few moments while she regained her composure and triumphantly, she resumed.
Memories of high school and friendship - of Jumping into Walden pond and running on the train tracks - cross country races.... I recall nodding and smiling nearly nonstop.
Martha was next - memories of children growing up together and of Susie wearing a dress - "the next time I saw her in a dress was many years later" - heh. Then Martha whipped out a mickey mouse cup - the same one the we used while on our short honeymoon in Annisquam for champagne that she left there for us.
More nodding - and smiles.
I noticed that my heart had stopped racing and I felt better. My turn. It's hard to read such a small font when your eyes are red and full of tears, so I made sure it was huge - heh.
About 1/2way through Steve had gotten up and I was afraid he was going to interrupt, but he just sat behind me and waited.
I held my composure until my last stanza where I could not help breaking down. I kept going once I was able to speak.
After I had finished, the Organ began to play as Steve tried to start speaking - we silenced the organ and he was allowed to share a few thoughts..
In particular, a good comeback from Steve's visit to CA this summer:
"Hey Susie, there is some Ice cream in the fridge if you want it"
"where would it be if I didn't want it?"
Slick and still damn sharp 'till the end.
John Denver song - lyrics were sad - I miss his voice.
"Woody" - the retired minister that married us in 200 - ended with a short reading, "The Summer Day"
Who made the world?
Who made the swan and the back bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean --
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth
instead of up and down --
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her winds open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is,
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll
through the fields.
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
- Mary Oliver
Then he spoke a few more words. A short moment of silence.
Now for the tears - The Sound of Music. I sang as much as I could, but could not complete the melody at the end. Too many tears.
What a wonderful melody.
As the song ended, we got up slowly and made our way downstairs.
It felt like a receiving line - tons of people stopping by to offer condolences, share stories
Many people said they didn't know her, but felt that they did now after listening to everyone.
One Gentleman said his wife had died a some years earlier and he could never have done what I did on stage. I said I was sorry for his loss and thanked him for his kind words.
Tons of food/punch and stories followed for what seemed like a couple of hours - I have no idea what time it was - the whole day was a haze.
People began to filter out and the food was being packed up.
The art was being packed up again and Fluffy and George found their place with me again.
Linda and I drove back to the house in the rain...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Please Come Celebrate Susie
October 18th, 2008
1:00 P.M.
Drakes Beach in Pt. Reyes National Seashore
http://www.nps.gov/pore/planyourvisit/directions.htm
Drakes beach is located on the south side at the Kenneth C. Patrick Visitor Center
We will gather on the beach right next to the parking lot at first, then eat a picnic lunch. Please bring what you want to eat plus some extra to share. Or, if you prefer, there is a small cafe at the visitor center.
After that, we will go for a short hike/walk (less than a mile) along the beach and cliffs where I proposed to Susie.
At some point, per Susie's wishes, I will be scattering a portion of her ashes and we will read the poem "Let the Red Fox Run".
Also, please bring something for a scrapbook that I am working on.
So many of you have shared some wonderful things that I would really like not to forget - however, my memory is not what it once was, so written is best. A funny story / a warm memory / a picture with description / etc.
Unfortunately, there aren't many areas that allow dogs, so I won't be bringing our fur-kids. :(
At the end of the day, our house is open to anyone who might want to join me for a campfire in the backyard and more stories. If you cannot make it up to the beach during the day, please join me that night.
Thanks
Jonah (and Susie)
1:00 P.M.
Drakes Beach in Pt. Reyes National Seashore
http://www.nps.gov/pore/planyourvisit/directions.htm
Drakes beach is located on the south side at the Kenneth C. Patrick Visitor Center
We will gather on the beach right next to the parking lot at first, then eat a picnic lunch. Please bring what you want to eat plus some extra to share. Or, if you prefer, there is a small cafe at the visitor center.
After that, we will go for a short hike/walk (less than a mile) along the beach and cliffs where I proposed to Susie.
At some point, per Susie's wishes, I will be scattering a portion of her ashes and we will read the poem "Let the Red Fox Run".
Also, please bring something for a scrapbook that I am working on.
So many of you have shared some wonderful things that I would really like not to forget - however, my memory is not what it once was, so written is best. A funny story / a warm memory / a picture with description / etc.
Unfortunately, there aren't many areas that allow dogs, so I won't be bringing our fur-kids. :(
At the end of the day, our house is open to anyone who might want to join me for a campfire in the backyard and more stories. If you cannot make it up to the beach during the day, please join me that night.
Thanks
Jonah (and Susie)
Monday, September 1, 2008
Six and a half years.
Six and half years since initial diagnosis.
What a roller coaster ride.
I recall from the beginning:
Susie was off at hockey when I got the call from her doctor. She had been trying to get a hold of us for days, but had been unsuccessful. When she finally got through to someone, even though it was only me, she had to deliver the bad news. Having already lost my mom and my sister to cancer (each a particularly long and difficult struggle), I knew what was in store for our future and where this path could lead. So, for me, having to break the news to Susie was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I think I cried all night, waiting for Susie to get home and delivered the bad news.
Throughout the next 6 years, there have been many hurdles to get over, setbacks to overcome and treatments to endure, but through it all we did have hope, however. We always had hope.
It has been incredibly therapeutic for me to share this painful journey with all of you. Your comments and encouragement have really given me the strength to keep going. Even just knowing that someone else is reading this story is more helpful than I would have thought.
I won't be posting much at all anymore.
This grieving time is a bit more personal than Susie's story.
I can't thank you all enough for accompanying me down this road - it's been a nightmare, but hopefully I will remember the bright spots along the way - all of your support is certainly one of them!
I truly hope none of you ever have to go through anything like this in your lives, but if you do, perhaps some of this story will come back to you and help in some way or another. And if you think that it might be just too much to handle, don't worry - you just might find that you have more strength in you that you had thought.
Don't hesitate to ask me how I'm doing and please keep in touch. I won't mind the "So, how are you doing these days" phone calls - don't feel bad for asking.
This blog (my first) has really been a fantastic way of keeping everyone up to date with Susie's state. I recall my brother in law going through this same basic thing with my Sister, Ann. I can remember his phone ringing off the wall constantly. Every time I spoke with him, he would have to find out what I knew first before he could fill me in on the missing details. While the conversations were good, I saw him doing it over and over and over. The blog has given each of you the choice of your level of involvement. You could read every post and comment, or you could just read every once in a while to see what was going on.
I was kinda shocked when I would miss a few days of posting and many people would contact me to make sure that everything was ok. I guess some of you were reading it more than I thought. It would have been interesting to see how many hits this blog received during this process, but you have to set that up ahead of time.
One last request:
----------------
As you remember particular stories that you think I might like to hear, please send them to me. I am creating a scrapbook of stories and memories that aren't necessarily pictures. I need to be reminded of how many lives she touched and surround myself with those precious memories.
I can't thank you all enough for your support for Susie, Sally, Bob and myself.
-Jonah
P.S.
The Massachusetts "celebration" is planned for September 27th at 3PM in Carlisle. Please contact me if you would like more information.
About 2 weeks after, we will have the California one. Details will be posted on this blog.
What a roller coaster ride.
I recall from the beginning:
Susie was off at hockey when I got the call from her doctor. She had been trying to get a hold of us for days, but had been unsuccessful. When she finally got through to someone, even though it was only me, she had to deliver the bad news. Having already lost my mom and my sister to cancer (each a particularly long and difficult struggle), I knew what was in store for our future and where this path could lead. So, for me, having to break the news to Susie was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I think I cried all night, waiting for Susie to get home and delivered the bad news.
Throughout the next 6 years, there have been many hurdles to get over, setbacks to overcome and treatments to endure, but through it all we did have hope, however. We always had hope.
It has been incredibly therapeutic for me to share this painful journey with all of you. Your comments and encouragement have really given me the strength to keep going. Even just knowing that someone else is reading this story is more helpful than I would have thought.
I won't be posting much at all anymore.
This grieving time is a bit more personal than Susie's story.
I can't thank you all enough for accompanying me down this road - it's been a nightmare, but hopefully I will remember the bright spots along the way - all of your support is certainly one of them!
I truly hope none of you ever have to go through anything like this in your lives, but if you do, perhaps some of this story will come back to you and help in some way or another. And if you think that it might be just too much to handle, don't worry - you just might find that you have more strength in you that you had thought.
Don't hesitate to ask me how I'm doing and please keep in touch. I won't mind the "So, how are you doing these days" phone calls - don't feel bad for asking.
This blog (my first) has really been a fantastic way of keeping everyone up to date with Susie's state. I recall my brother in law going through this same basic thing with my Sister, Ann. I can remember his phone ringing off the wall constantly. Every time I spoke with him, he would have to find out what I knew first before he could fill me in on the missing details. While the conversations were good, I saw him doing it over and over and over. The blog has given each of you the choice of your level of involvement. You could read every post and comment, or you could just read every once in a while to see what was going on.
I was kinda shocked when I would miss a few days of posting and many people would contact me to make sure that everything was ok. I guess some of you were reading it more than I thought. It would have been interesting to see how many hits this blog received during this process, but you have to set that up ahead of time.
One last request:
----------------
As you remember particular stories that you think I might like to hear, please send them to me. I am creating a scrapbook of stories and memories that aren't necessarily pictures. I need to be reminded of how many lives she touched and surround myself with those precious memories.
I can't thank you all enough for your support for Susie, Sally, Bob and myself.
-Jonah
P.S.
The Massachusetts "celebration" is planned for September 27th at 3PM in Carlisle. Please contact me if you would like more information.
About 2 weeks after, we will have the California one. Details will be posted on this blog.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Friday, August 29th
[3:00 A.M. Friday, August 29th 2008]
Susie passed away this morning - surrounded by her mother, father and myself.
She went peacefully and quietly. I will miss her terribly.
Susie's breathing had been quite rapid most of the day and night before. Steady and even. At times, it changed slightly to deep quick breaths which would slowly subside into more relaxed, shallower breaths - even coming to a complete stop from time to time for several seconds... Only to start up again with a big, deep breath.
Bob and Sally had gone to crash in the guest bedroom mid-evening and I was trying to get some rest as well. I tried to find a few positions where I could hold her hand or touch her arm as I attempted to rest. Though she wasn't moving at all anymore, I felt like I would be woken up if anything happened.
Several times, I startled myself out of sleep when I realized that she wasn't breathing and thought that it had already happened, but each time, she started up again.
This cycle continued well into the night, when about 1:30 or so, she made a sound.
At first, it sounded like a small moan, but it wasn't. It was more like a "vocal exhale". She did this a few times, and at first it sounded quite scary and that she might be in pain, but it slowly subsided and returned to the previous breathing. I told her everything again as I stroked her head, then went back to sleep. This time, I cuddled closer.
About 2:15 or so, she started do it again, but this time it did not subside. It really sounded like she was in pain at times, but I'm not so sure.
I went to wake up Bob and Sally and we all stayed with her until the end.
The vocal exhales continued - sometimes quite intense, then relaxing a bit, then more intense again. Several times, she would stop breathing after a particularly deep one - only to start again many seconds later.
We all continued to tell her how much we loved her and that it was ok for her to go.
Several times, we thought it was over - only to have her start breathing again.
3:00 A.M.
Then, in between the vocal ones, she took a few slow, short breaths - barely audible, then return to the audible exhales again. She did this 2 or 3 times, when I noticed that she didn't return to normal breathing after a short, quiet breath. We watched her intensely for any signs for several minutes. We felt for a pulse, but couldn't quite tell if we felt anything. We still stroked her head and held her hands for many more minutes - telling her how much we loved her before we all agreed that she was finally in peace. I kissed her on the forehead and put my forehead against hers one last time - and sobbed.
This has been a long and painful roller coaster and I have lost my best friend, my wife and my inspiration, but I'm glad she is not suffering anymore.
Peace be with you all
P.S. I will post MA and CA arrangements as we finalize the details.
MA will be first - possibly next weekend at the earliest, but I doubt it will happen that fast. CA will be a few weeks after that, I think.
Susie passed away this morning - surrounded by her mother, father and myself.
She went peacefully and quietly. I will miss her terribly.
Susie's breathing had been quite rapid most of the day and night before. Steady and even. At times, it changed slightly to deep quick breaths which would slowly subside into more relaxed, shallower breaths - even coming to a complete stop from time to time for several seconds... Only to start up again with a big, deep breath.
Bob and Sally had gone to crash in the guest bedroom mid-evening and I was trying to get some rest as well. I tried to find a few positions where I could hold her hand or touch her arm as I attempted to rest. Though she wasn't moving at all anymore, I felt like I would be woken up if anything happened.
Several times, I startled myself out of sleep when I realized that she wasn't breathing and thought that it had already happened, but each time, she started up again.
This cycle continued well into the night, when about 1:30 or so, she made a sound.
At first, it sounded like a small moan, but it wasn't. It was more like a "vocal exhale". She did this a few times, and at first it sounded quite scary and that she might be in pain, but it slowly subsided and returned to the previous breathing. I told her everything again as I stroked her head, then went back to sleep. This time, I cuddled closer.
About 2:15 or so, she started do it again, but this time it did not subside. It really sounded like she was in pain at times, but I'm not so sure.
I went to wake up Bob and Sally and we all stayed with her until the end.
The vocal exhales continued - sometimes quite intense, then relaxing a bit, then more intense again. Several times, she would stop breathing after a particularly deep one - only to start again many seconds later.
We all continued to tell her how much we loved her and that it was ok for her to go.
Several times, we thought it was over - only to have her start breathing again.
3:00 A.M.
Then, in between the vocal ones, she took a few slow, short breaths - barely audible, then return to the audible exhales again. She did this 2 or 3 times, when I noticed that she didn't return to normal breathing after a short, quiet breath. We watched her intensely for any signs for several minutes. We felt for a pulse, but couldn't quite tell if we felt anything. We still stroked her head and held her hands for many more minutes - telling her how much we loved her before we all agreed that she was finally in peace. I kissed her on the forehead and put my forehead against hers one last time - and sobbed.
This has been a long and painful roller coaster and I have lost my best friend, my wife and my inspiration, but I'm glad she is not suffering anymore.
Peace be with you all
P.S. I will post MA and CA arrangements as we finalize the details.
MA will be first - possibly next weekend at the earliest, but I doubt it will happen that fast. CA will be a few weeks after that, I think.
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