Six and half years since initial diagnosis.
What a roller coaster ride.
I recall from the beginning:
Susie was off at hockey when I got the call from her doctor. She had been trying to get a hold of us for days, but had been unsuccessful. When she finally got through to someone, even though it was only me, she had to deliver the bad news. Having already lost my mom and my sister to cancer (each a particularly long and difficult struggle), I knew what was in store for our future and where this path could lead. So, for me, having to break the news to Susie was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I think I cried all night, waiting for Susie to get home and delivered the bad news.
Throughout the next 6 years, there have been many hurdles to get over, setbacks to overcome and treatments to endure, but through it all we did have hope, however. We always had hope.
It has been incredibly therapeutic for me to share this painful journey with all of you. Your comments and encouragement have really given me the strength to keep going. Even just knowing that someone else is reading this story is more helpful than I would have thought.
I won't be posting much at all anymore.
This grieving time is a bit more personal than Susie's story.
I can't thank you all enough for accompanying me down this road - it's been a nightmare, but hopefully I will remember the bright spots along the way - all of your support is certainly one of them!
I truly hope none of you ever have to go through anything like this in your lives, but if you do, perhaps some of this story will come back to you and help in some way or another. And if you think that it might be just too much to handle, don't worry - you just might find that you have more strength in you that you had thought.
Don't hesitate to ask me how I'm doing and please keep in touch. I won't mind the "So, how are you doing these days" phone calls - don't feel bad for asking.
This blog (my first) has really been a fantastic way of keeping everyone up to date with Susie's state. I recall my brother in law going through this same basic thing with my Sister, Ann. I can remember his phone ringing off the wall constantly. Every time I spoke with him, he would have to find out what I knew first before he could fill me in on the missing details. While the conversations were good, I saw him doing it over and over and over. The blog has given each of you the choice of your level of involvement. You could read every post and comment, or you could just read every once in a while to see what was going on.
I was kinda shocked when I would miss a few days of posting and many people would contact me to make sure that everything was ok. I guess some of you were reading it more than I thought. It would have been interesting to see how many hits this blog received during this process, but you have to set that up ahead of time.
One last request:
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As you remember particular stories that you think I might like to hear, please send them to me. I am creating a scrapbook of stories and memories that aren't necessarily pictures. I need to be reminded of how many lives she touched and surround myself with those precious memories.
I can't thank you all enough for your support for Susie, Sally, Bob and myself.
-Jonah
P.S.
The Massachusetts "celebration" is planned for September 27th at 3PM in Carlisle. Please contact me if you would like more information.
About 2 weeks after, we will have the California one. Details will be posted on this blog.
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11 comments:
Dear Jonah,
Again I need to tell you how brave you are to share this with "the world". Here in Sun Cluster land at Sun, there have been soooo many people that are thinking about you and expressing their sadness at you losing Susie to cancer. You and Susie both have touched so many lives with your amazing attitudes, and hopefully the energy everyone is sending you for your strength is at least some kind of small payback.
Big hug as usual- Roma
I don't think you realize how many of us were hitting "refresh" over and over, hoping for the blog to be updated and bring more news. Every time the news wasn't so good - what a heartbreak that was. But it helped us feel like we were right there with you for the roller coaster ride. I was pleased at the opportunity to share some funny moments I experienced with Susie during this time - there was no shortage of them. "Hop to it, bitch" being one of them.
I sent this link to friends of mine who have never met you or Susie but who have/had loved ones going through a similar situation. Somehow, reading the blog gave them comfort too. You may consider sending to brainhospice.com as another example to help others going through this.
I can't imagine the range of emotions you're going through right now. I can't help but feel like this has all been a bad dream and Susie is really just visiting her parents out east and when she gets back, life will return to normal.
I had a dream a few weeks ago that the we were at your place and that 5 of us were eating dinner at your kitchen table. (an awesome gourmet dinner, no doubt). Then Susie came walking out of the bedroom, healthy as could be and approached us. We were stunned and asked her how she was feeling. She answered, "Great! Just getting myself a beer" and that she did. Then she went back to the bedroom and disappeared. The dream was over. In a silly way, I hope that's how it went for her.
We will definitely continue to be a big part of your life if you let us.
Chocolate rain.
Jonah,
Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself with us. We were the lucky ones to have known the both of you.
I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I had never met you guys. I do know, it would have been a little lonelier, a lot quieter (heh!), and definitely a little less full of love, spirit and kindness.
Your gentle nature brought out the best in Susie and luckily we, your friends, still have you to hold on to. And we will. Holding on tightly is what we do best.
Jonah -
You are so eloquent and so open. Because of that, your journey has touched us all.
Being far away, your blog helped me to feel connected. It also helped me to work through the grief... which is a process that begins even before death. Sometimes I felt alone out here reading your blog and sobbing, but then I reached out to you and other Squirrel-friends to talk it through. I think I'd still be in total denial and shock without the blog.
I can understand wanting some alone time. Just keep sharing your feelings in whatever way you need to, so we can help you through. We promised Susie we'd take care of you.
God will give you no more than you can handle. I truly believe that, and you are the strongest person I known. God is with you always and especially through these dark days.
Breath, and there will be Sunshine days ahead.
Jonah,
Ditto everyone else that's thanked you for blogging through the last few months. It was a daily stop for me. I always thought it must have been very therapeutic for you to catalog your thoughts and feelings, as well as relieve a bit of a burden like you mentioned your brother-in-law went through. Thank goodness for technology. BTW, I had no idea you were such a good writer - very eloquent and moving.
Ditto also what Kelley said about sending the blog to brainhospice.com. I don't think you could have done a better job taking care of Susie though this, and it would be an excellent example for others. How hard it must have been when she was resisting your help, but you stayed with it. And you were able to do this without becoming consumed by it - taking breaks when needed and asking for help when it was needed.
Never doubt that you did this "right". I'm proud to call you a friend.
Joel
PS: Karen, Riley and I went camping last w/e with some other baby friends. Walking around in the dark, I kept remembering when Susie tripped on a rock at the first Tour de Wino. Susie the Safety Squirrel: still on the job!
Good one Joel! How can I forget Susie the Safety Squirrel?
What about Susie the hidingcrapalloveryourhousewhenshe"helps"you move Squirrel?
Or the don'topenyourpresentfromherinfrontof yourbossorfamily Squirrel?
Hahaha! I forgot about the hiding things- thanks G. I remember when she put Col's spices in the bathroom cupboard or something. Jeez - seems like sooo long ago. Too funny! And salt & pepper.. jeez I wish I could remember.
My kids will always think of Susie as "Cracker Dog's Mom". They *loved* it when Kaili was around especially when she was in the *cracker dog* sorta mood and Susie was right in the mix of the play. Susie was really kid-oriented, and since we were the first Squirrels with kids, that really meant a lot to me and the girls. Susie made them feel like it was OK for them to be there.
Jonah,
I've been away from the computer for a while, but was deeply saddened to hear the news from Eileen. Your strength and resilient comments are an inspiration. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother to cancer back in 02', and it was rough. But I wasn't there for the day to day regression as you were, and I can only imagine what you've been through. I hope you're keeping your head up and will find the strength to go forward, as I'm sure you will.
My condolenscenceses,
Gandy
P.S. - The last time I saw you and Susie we were up in Tahoe (early 1999, (can't believe it's almost been ten years)) with Neal and Steph, and I brought my g-friend of the time Kimberly. Do you remember? we had a great time shredding some pow-pow at Homewood I believe...
I am so greatful for all of the wonderful memories I have of the two of you. Not everyday do you get to spend time with a couple that truely belong together (and does not make you want to vomit).
Memories: Night hockey on the court, ordering pizza delivery. Skiing in Whistler and Susie's "crush" on "Bat Boy" in the National Curling Championships. Camping in Big Sur with Bob. "Camping" in Newbrighton and my ditching you guys to sleep inside at Pam's house. New Year's Eve with Richard, Steph, Neal and Angela (97?). Your famous picture at the Poet after a long night of drinking with the Santa Cruz gang. Rangi's horror at my Mike Ricce crush with Step hanging me out to dry, in Tahoe. You, Susie ad I skiing the backside of Kirkwood on a beautiful sunny day. Susie's sarcasm at any time, on any topic. Susie's hate of ending sentences with a preposition (I am very self conscious when I do it and always think of her). Most of my camping and skiing memories are with the two of you and they are all good!!
See you in October, I will look forward to celebrating Susie's life as she always said "its happy hour somewhere".
Eileen
When the roller coaster ride is over the cars just come to a stop and you have to get off. The ride had it's ups and downs and now it is time to get off and just coast. God is with you always.
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